I Have Been Resisting Sharing This With You
I want to explain why I have not been in touch with you in a while. I haven't written because I have not been ready to share what has been going on in my family. While it is so personal, I am writing to you today because on some level I am certain many of you have gone through a similar experience.
I want you to know that I really appreciate all of the thoughts and loving messages you have sent my way. I am filled with so much gratitude for this community and am really looking forward to reconnecting with you.
At the end of the summer I shared with you here that my dad had miraculously survived a massive stroke that he suffered in April and day by day was making a valiant recovery.
In September he was discharged from the rehab hospital and moved to a skilled nursing facility to continue his rehabilitation. Shortly thereafter his respiratory condition declined, and he chose to no longer receive further interventions. My dad passed away peacefully on October 15th.
In my time with my dad witnessing this great transition of the flow of life I felt in my core such a strong presence of love.
There is so much that I have learned in witnessing him and shepherding him through these last few months and in his last days.
One of the greatest lessons that I am taking with me is to go through life as the way opens, and to listen inwards with a great curiosity.
Since his passing I have felt a connection to his spirit and my loving memories of him, and I have also felt his absence and a darkness surrounding me.
It has been challenging for me to associate myself with this darkness, and I have felt uncomfortable allowing myself to go into this place of the season of death, letting go, grief and sadness.
I have learned an incredible lesson of how it can be frightening to accept being where you are, and to possibly accept being in a state where you don't want to be.
I regularly work on this with my clients helping them to accept the state of your body and physical well-being at the moment even if it is not as you want it to be, and through this acceptance coming to love yourself through the journey of your transformation.
With my dad's passing, I have been reminded that the journey of your connection to your core goes much deeper than just the core of your body. I can clearly see that resistance to other areas of your life and ways of being can be manifested in your body.
I have been resisting being in the season of the death, of letting go of my dad, and feeling the void that is left here without him.
I have resisted:
allowing myself to feel alone
allowing myself to have more free time
allowing myself to take consistent time for myself
allowing myself to feel however I would feel if I stopped resisting
I have been so afraid of really feeling and being with this emptiness, as if it may become permanent or succumb me.
I hear this often with clients, that having a fear that a painful flareup in your body, injury, or being out of shape is going to be a permanent state that will persist and you will not be able to overcome.
In my experience I resisted the state of being alone, without my dad, and instead found myself filling the void with something else to comfort myself whether it be food, over working, or any social activities that would occupy me and my mind.
Resisting and being afraid takes so much energy, it can be exhausting, and holds you back from where you want to be.
When you allow yourself to be where you are and accept yourself as you are then you have the freedom to allow yourself to make choice to keep being in that state, or for the answers to arise for your next steps.
I know in my bones that I am not meant to be broken by my grief, but instead that this is an opportunity to grow.
By accepting where I am right now (being in the darkness) I allow for:
light to arise
new sensation
connection
freedom
love
feelings
"The darkness around us might somewhat light up if we would first practice using the light we have on the place we are." -Henry Stanley Haskins
I write to you today from the darkness - in my non-perfect state - with a light illuminating within me. I have begun to accept being in this darkness and know that this is not a permanent state, this is just where I am right now.
By being present with myself in a kind and loving way I am able to listen deeply within to my intuition.
The message I hear for myself is to strengthen and reconnect to my core - the core of my being - not only through my Pilates practice, but also through the actions that make me feel the most myself and alive.
:: Creative projects :: dancing :: eating well :: sitting in silence :: being outside in nature :: sleeping more :: meditation
Being with myself authentically in the state that I am in gives me a sense of peace. It reminds me of the sacred message : YOU ARE - PERFECT-WHOLE-ENOUGH - JUST AS YOU ARE.
As I create peacefulness in my mind, then my body can reflect that peacefulness.
If you are ready to unveil a part of yourself that you have been resisting or ignoring, I invite you to connect in with where you are right now - allow yourself to be still in the darkness.
This is the perfect time of year to practice this as the days around the Winter Solstice, December 21st, are the days with the least amount of sunlight - the greatest amount of darkness. This is a time historically when people have gathered to inspire hope amidst these dark days. Hope that the light will return and the flow of life will continue.
Take some time to be with yourself where you are right now.
Move your body, light a candle, or write in a journal.
From that place of loving kindness clarify what you would like to release.
Let it go: write it on a piece of paper, burn it or submerge it in water.
Then set an intention of what you envision for yourself and the planet for the year ahead.
Wishing you a wonderful holiday season and radiant health,
